Bad Kids Go To Hell (2009)

Bad Kids Go To Hell isn't stupefyingly bad but it is dull as it plods along at a snail's pace with no scares, shocks or even laughs. It picks up a little steam towards the end when the somewhat complicated plot is wrapped up but I wouldn't recommend this to anyone...although I see there is now a sequel. Go know.

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Dead Sleep (1990)

It took me three nights to finish Dead Sleep, the 1990 Ozploitation (Australian exploitation) movie because, you guessed it, I kept falling into a dead sleep. But I like Linda Blair and didn't mind resuming the movie the next night(s). It's not very complex or very thrilling or very surprising in its outcome but I like Linda Blair and she is the star so...

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The Cottage (2012)

Wow, David Arquette must really need the money for alimony and child support to have taken the lead role as a Manson-like pedophile in The Cottage, a cinematic piece of shit posing as a Lifetime drama. The script is misogynistic, the characters and situations stock, and the only redeeming values are the cottage (a beautiful property on which most of the movie takes place), Arquette's nude swim and the little seen movie poster in the style of Saul Bass. I posted a JPG and created a triptych so you can go on with your day.

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The Raven (2012)

John Cusack is an anachronism in The Raven despite the 1800s set design, his Edgar Allen Poe goatee and the knowledge that he has acted in other movies. The script itself is somewhat interesting as it fictionalizes some rumors surrounding Poe's mysterious death. Ultimately though, Cusack's acting and the general malaise of the direction make this one kind of a snoozefest.

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Puzzle Of A Downfall Child (1970)

Photographer Jerry Schatzberg interviewed 1950s supermodel Anne St. Marie so he could tell her story in (and direct) his first film Puzzle of A Downfall Child starring Faye Dunaway as a supermodel being interviewed by a photographer. The film is nicely composed but the story of unlikable people smacks of self importance and pretension; hell, two characters don't even speak in contractions which is a noticeable anachronism. It's talky and pretty boring, and Dunaway (despite her youth and obvious beauty) is sometimes photographed in an unflattering fashion even before her character's downfall.

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Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark (1988)

I laughed at two things in Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark and they were not her breasts. Cassandra Peterson's character is beloved but unfortunately the two jokes wear very thin repeated endlessly in this pastiche of unfunny. The film feels like the contract stipulated a specific number of double entendres in the movie so everything in the script works towards that end before it concludes at a movie theatre friendly ninety six minutes.

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Theodora Goes Wild (1936)

I'm not sure what gives Theodora Goes Wild classic status as I find it slow moving, contrived and forced. Irene Dunne is fine as the prim author of a '50 Shades of Grey' type (by 1936 standards) best seller but this screwball comedy is neither of those. Melvyn Douglas plays a dastardly reporter (is there any other kind?) whose romance with the titular Theodora is as inexplicable as it is unbelievable.

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The Newsroom (2013)

I wouldn't call The Newsroom (now into Season 2) smart. The soap opera antics of the news team - Jeff Daniels, Emily Mortimer, Alison Pill and Olivia Munn (who doesn't act well) - are mundane, the dialog is based in references not character and, excepting what one might learn about how a newsroom operates, the stories are uninvolving - even though based in relevant and exciting past history. This is the first Aaron Sorkin work I've seen and I'm not impressed.

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The Kongs King (2009, 1976, 1933)

Judging from the most recent remakes of King Kong (1976, 2009) people suck when it comes to animals, and an oil company (1976) / film corporation (2009) removing the big ape for profit and entertainment is horrifyingly sad. Still if you're not an emotional obsessive when it comes to the treatment of animals this might not be an issue - in which case these remakes are watchable with the most recent (2009) being the only one not worthy of having its poster embedded below. 1976 (with Jeff Bridges and a debuting Jessica Lange) is fine - not what its reputation would have you believe - but it's the original (1933), mustering all the naïveté that a pre-code movie can squeeze from Fay Wray, that is still the classic best.

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Devil's Playground (2010)

Devil's Playground has precious little to do with the devil and everything to do with Danny Boyle's living zombie flick 28 Days Later. You might also add a pinch of Doomsday as the characters fight to bring Angela (who has immunity to this version of the rage virus) to safety. I fell asleep at the end but I would assume she's being tested in some laboratory right about now.

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Oblivion (2013)

Oblivion is full of laughs; weak CGI (a spaceship moving like a panther) and a lackluster script (with similarities to Moon) make it funny. But neither of those is funnier than the inexplicable hiring of Suri Cruise look-a-like Olga Kurylenko (looking 25) to play the wife of dad Tom Cruise (looking 55). The best laugh was when I turned to my chum with a What'd she say? and the only other person in the theatre turns to tell me the line - "They can't have you."

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The Lords Of Salem (2012)

Rob Zombie has tried, with The Lords of Salem, to make a movie you can take grandma to see. To be sure we're talking teen birth grandmas but this story of Salem witches, a somewhat bizarro mashup of Roman Polanski's Rosemary's Baby and Mario Bava's Black Sunday, is an attempt on the director's part to stretch as a filmmaker, make something less horrific and broaden his audience. The jury is out on the latter because the movie's just not consistently interesting OR scary (although a great game of guessing the actors not seen in decades did help pass the time: Meg Foster, Dee Wallace and sweet holy mother of god academy on i love jesus street Judy Geeson aka Miss Pamela Dare).

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Harper Valley PTA (1978)

Today they'd call it stalking and bullying (and illegal to boot) but in 1978 Harper Valley PTA was just a good-ole boy redneck revenge comedy. Barbara Eden looks beautiful and does her best with the material but this is a three minute song extended into a two hour movie. Listen to the song and have dinner with a friend instead.

Barbara's 1967 solo LP

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Steel Magnolias (2012)

Having now seen this remake of the Steel Magnolias I'd ask executive producer Queen Latifah one question: why? Nothing has been added to the original story by making all the characters black, the acting is hackneyed (excepting Jill Scott) and the movie is SO familiar it could be considered plagiarism. An integrated cast might have made this a more interesting remake but since that was not the road chosen, skip it.

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Kisses For My President (1964)

Kisses For My President is racist (all White House staff are black), misogynist (check out the ten minute strip club scene and the ending) and, more to the point, boring. The story of the first female president is actually the story of her poor husband, the first male First Lady, and badly riffs on Frank Capra's Mr. Smith Goes To Washington. Both Fred MacMurray and Polly Bergen (especially) are wasted as is the celluloid on which this one was developed.

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Romy and Michelle: In The Beginning (2005)

OMFG, Romy and Michele: In The Beginning puts Katherine Heigl (blech!) and Alex Breckinridge (who?) screen center as younger and paler imitations of the characters from the beloved original who move to Los Angeles (again). This claptrap was written (and directed) by the same author (Robin Schiff) but has none of the intelligence or heart. Paula Abdul shows up for a paycheck as did, it seems, everyone ese.

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Monsters (2010)

Monsters puts unlikeable protagonists on a journey to safety through alien-infected Mexico (no pun intended). Nothing much happens since the relationship between the protagonists - and not the aliens themselves - is the story, and the two people in the relationship are whining brats. There is a smidge of alienity but not enough to counteract having to watch the dregs of humanity.

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The Town That Dreaded Sundown (1976)

A somewhat slow-moving potboiler that has enough blood to give it horror credentials, The Town That Dreaded Sundown is based on the true story of a serial killer that preyed on Texarkana, AK and Texarkana, TX during the late 40s. The movie is a precursor to the 80s slasher films without the jumps. Ben Johnson as the top cop and Dawn Wells in a small yet pivotal role as a victim are fine but it's just a rundown story.

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The Invasion (2007)

Despite my distaste for Nicole Kidman and her plastic face, my desire to see The Invasion, the remake of two previous classic body snatcher films, was very high. There are slight differences to the story that does not detract and the first two thirds of the film was involving. But the last third contained action sequences that came out of nowhere and had a tacked on happy ending that snatched the whole movie-going experience from my body.

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Garbo Talks (1984)

The legacy of Greta Garbo is such that the only time Garbo Talks (a movie that uses her appearance on screen as a denouement) comes alive is when Garbo herself is on screen - and she is silently portrayed by an actress! The movie itself is a pastiche of events in the life of a guy as he runs around New York City trying to find the legendary recluse for a visit with his dying mother (Anne Bancroft in an over-the-top performance as a Jewish mother that was almost distasteful). The film's creators ladled on the quirk factor while sprinkling emotion only slightly in this one.

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